contentment

this state i'm in, is pretty cool.

i don't feel euphoria, neither much excitement.

i somehow feel pretty blessed, just little ones, these i notice.

the cold breeze kissing my cheeks and nose, heh. the little chats with random strangers from corners of the world. that supposedly difficult language to comprend, it is not a super cool feeling i have when i learn, however, it is getting much clearer in the cognitive faculty. these little moments i'm savouring bit by bit.

hey! it ain't all bout feelings, that "F-ing" thing we get engulfed, which we define our day by and happiness? ho! if that were the case, we would have been tossed and turned, we feel so crappy at the end of the day, and super drained by the end of the week.

to be less feeling-centric, some could call it boring. i say it is pretty cool - lazing in bed during winter. cooking hot soups in the night to fill that cold tummy. playing a game or two, to have just that moment of good laugh and brain teaser. stroking the cat and hearing the "happy" noise it makes. just staying in.

i'm peeping into the possibility of living in this city with a queer accent. of people who are immaculately dressed, sheer simplicity that exudes charm. of taxes that could knock ya socks off. i'm not super excited. i'm wondering... it could be possible. question: does He want me to?

seek the Lord while He may be found

Seek the Lord while He may be found, call upon Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, and He will have mercy on him; and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55: 6-9

You

You MADE me.

You FOUND me.

now, let me come into Your bosom, and get lost in this embrace.

YOU, please please please make my heart less pain.

keep me satisfied in Your presence

"where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; but happy is he who keeps the law" Proverbs 29:18

keep the flame burning.

give me oil in my lamp, keep it burning burning burning.
give me oil in my lamp, i pray i pray.
give me oil in my lamp, keep it burning burning burning,
keep it burning till the break of day.

"to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:

..... and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up....."
Eccelesiastes 3:1-8

For your Maker is your husband...

Isaiah 54: 4-8

"Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Nor be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame;

For you will forget the shame of your youth,

And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore.

For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name;

And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth.

For the Lord has called you like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,

like a youthful wife when you were refused," says your God.

"For a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you.

With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment; but

with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,"

says the Lord, your Redeemer.

the void

"it is hard to forget", i said, "when there is such an empty space when you are gone"

there is much to undo from now on.

to breathe regularly

dear Lord,

i'm having a bout of anxiety or stress?

work piling up, and with the slew of observations, i'm right about stuffed to the neck, i can't breathe, somewhat.

cause me to be consistent, and productive. more importantly, give me that peace and confidence to be able to do it all with Your grace and providence.

breathe, breathe, breathe. something so natural and basic, we take for granted.

i want to breathe regularly, make me whole and satisfied.

in Jesus' name,
Amen

i'm getting it

it seems like something struck me when i woke up, this Sunday morning.

i've got the tendency to sleep in during the weekends when i've got nothing special planned out. and this weekend was no exception.

i want You, yes it seems to be You.

i missed that big big picture (again, always), my entire world made by You. i seem to see myself only, my little entangled world (oh my, as usual that word entangled, why am I not surprised?).

i scarce to think i'm walking closer to You and pretty quickly, i'm once again so far so far from You.

let the fear of the Lord grow in my life.

"the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,

but fools despise wisdom and instruction."

Proverbs 1:7

emptiness

you fill this emptiness i feel right now.

lethargy, apprehension - replace them with Your grace, love and peace (:

thank You, Father who art in heaven.

Your girl,
andrea

closed

You've said it through them.

it's closed, the door.

lock my heart and keep the key in Your pocket, Lord.

only until the right one comes along, You release the key to my heart. (:

heartaches and entanglement

dearest Jbestfriend,

this intense heartache i feel right now, how often have i felt it these months? you know the exact frequency, exact intensity and exact cause. i know not exactly.

at church today, i sought our Father's direction with regard to the relationship between whee and i... ...

i remember going up the altar few sundays ago, and that I had the impression that in time, You'll realize Your calling for me in the years to come, and my partner in life would support in spirit and kind words. the calling You have for me is distinctively to minister to those broken in their marriage, families. there i thought very likely that whee would be able to support me and how aptly, whee received an impression about pursuing further education in geography education. viola! it seems to be meeting our paths.

yet few days back, it struck me. the so called differences when it came to decision making process, personality and mindsets. somehow, it seems i've been hoping that these will fade away, and whee would be able to understand me better with each new day. yet, the more i talk to whee, it becomes clearer that we do really see things differently, have different priorities. i suppose the support in spirit and kind words are the fundamentals i pray for in a partner, yet it turned out not quite that way.

at church today, i sought Your direction with regard to the relationship between whee and i... ... what is it Father? knock knock!

on the topic of relationships, i have always entangled myself in boy girl relationships since 17 till now. long term relationships, and in between the two, had few short term ones that i rather not recall. i were of the notion that i needed a partner, like a life buoy since i had none at home.

i'm also pretty much what was painted to me by a friend while we were chatting along the quiet alleys in London. a small me entangled by a HUGE ball of fibre. the fibre were of various types, thickness, length etc, it didn't matter the exact details but that i was tangled with the cares of the world ever so easily, it accumulated and the small me is missing the big picture. i can't breathe or grow up in You. it weighs me down, keeping me away from You.

oh how i've always miss You.

your girl,
andrea

acid heart

hello Jbestfriend,

there have been recent happenings that came pretty much one after another, i wonder where to begin. relationship between whee and i is shaky, whee's ill and currently hospitalised, uncertainty in travel plans this june due to the h1n1 panic in Japan and whee's current state.

i've been seeking You in a way or another, i wish i can be more intense and consistent at it. i pray and ask for directions in the relationship, no certain direction to take for now... yet it seems like whenever i recount my relationship bout whee and i to others or in my mind, my eyes would well up in tears and my heart grows strangely acidic i'm acutely aware of it every beating second. it would last for the entire day and sometimes, it makes it tough to get by with the usual routine of life.

i've somehow reached a decision dear God. i'm gonna break away and come out of this relationship. i pray this is in line with your plans for me at this present moment in my life.

you give and take away. at this moment, you take away for a reason.

heart you God,
andrea

withmyJbestfriend

i decided that today shall be the DAY to start this blog - heavenward.

it'll document each day (hopefully) along with its readings and relevation from the Bible, articles, books etc that reveals something bout God I wanna remember.

withmyJbestfriend in full is with my Jesus (my) best friend.

may my security in life lies in myJbestfriend.